[Consolation Brackets]

I'll probably never win an election in my life. Sure people like me, but when it comes time to politick, I'm not good at it. I lost my homeroom's student council election in 7th grade (I think I got two votes, the guy who won never attended any of the meetings, I never filled in as the alternate in protest), I lost the class presidency in 10th grade (I was never serious about it, I ran against 10 other people). Which makes me wonder why anyone would cover college football with a passion. It seems like a fool's game.

Big time college football is a cash cow. The revenue stream it creates for colleges and universities nationwide is immense. These institutions can pack 80,000 strong into a rolling concourse of bleachers on half a dozen weekends every Autumn. Geographically displaced into conferences, a hundred or so teams compete for supremacy and bragging rights. Yet only 20 or so have a legitimate chance of making a run at the national championship. This is true because politics and controversy dictate the landscape of big time college football. Your reputation precedes you everywhere you go. Win and you are golden, lose and you're history. That's the way it should be, but it isn't a level playing field.

Some teams play easy non-conference schedules, some teams play in tough conferences with many talented teams. What is a quality win? My 3 losses are better than your 2 losses. The verdict is currently determined by polls consisting of media members, former coaches, former players and a statistical formulaic analysis of hard data. The shades of gray are ultimately behind my love/hate relationship of college football. I was never a big fan of college football growing up, but recently I've accepted it for what it is. I think Chuck Klosterman put it best when he explained his passion for the sport when he summed it up as an 'event-oriented' experience.

That's what it is - it's hundred year old rivalries, it's meaningless bowl games that'll be forgotten seconds after they transpire, it's a hype machine that lives in the moment, it's all that and then some and then not as much.

With that being said, if Missouri meets West Virginia in the BCS Title Game in New Orleans to kick off 2008, it is what it is. There is no playoff, sure it would bring some clarity to an imperfect system, but boosters all over that continental 48 states would complaining about seeding. And any blowhard that says 'You can't have a playoff because you are already taking kids out of the classroom enough' needs to sit on it. These are grown ass kids, they can wipe their own bums and make their own decisions. Players that'll get drafted in the NFL can get their degrees during the NFL offseason in later years. And for the other players, people can accelerate their course loads to graduate in 2 and a half years. Missing class time, it's not like you get a tuition reimbursement for perfect attendance, you can't even get half price on books you sell back to the bookstore after the course is done, give me a break.

Speaking of colleges and politics - instead of having a Miss USA pageant, they should have a Miss NCAA pageant. You get all the hottest ladies at campuses nationwide (real broads too, not any of these pageant regular Habitat For Humanity gals, I'm talking about the ones that pose in Playboy 'Girls Of Insert Conference Here' issues). It doesn't even have to be sanctioned. You could have traditional rounds like swim wear and evening gown. You could also have rounds like Party Etiquette (just a fancy name for congeniality) and Wet T-Shirt. I'm just making this up, but I could see this going straight to DVD or PPV. Hell, the pageant held at each school would be worth it.

Like A Leopard In A Leotard

I think I'm beginning to understand why people hate cliches. I'm not just talking about cliched things (I've despised those for years), I'm really talking about phrases that are cliches. I realized this as I drove home from work into the depths of a foggy night. No, it wasn't London Fog, it wasn't even Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Josh Fogg or the old band Foghat and the fog definitely wasn't thicker than split pea soup. Cliches are like verbal crutches for unoriginal bastards. I think I know why my teachers didn't want me to use cliches because they wanted me to be unique in my eloquence. I'd take a cliche, add sarcasm and spin it on its head. It's easy to understand verbally, but as written word, there lies the degree of difficulty.

I could dive off the high board (who am I kidding, I would never dive off the high board, my nerves would prevent me from even getting that high, I'd have to be on drugs. No, I'm not currently on any drugs (at least any hard ones...and by hard, I mean cake icing)) and do the triple lindy like Dangerfield did in Back To School (if you've never seen it, go and watch it at your leisure (it features Robert Downey Jr. - if you ever thought he was anything more than a mediocre actor, you get your jollies from getting off to an elbow macaroni sculpture of him you made while watching Zodiac). Sidebar: I don't have enough parentheses to contain my abundance of thought filled tangents.

But with difficulty comes misunderstanding. I'll stick to diving into shallow hotel pools. That's a risk I'm willing to take. I will actively seek out what it would feel like to be 'your brain on drugs'. Just don't bang my head with a skillet any time soon. That's just stupid. Which comes to the lesson of this tale (I originally typed the word tail instead - as a result I know have two lessons)....

a) spellcheck doesn't prevent homonym misusage
b) don't get into fights on the Internet - it's one thing to have a healthy debate about topical matter (Tabasco sauce, fieldturf, underwire, cold remedies, etc.), but when tempers Flair (intentional) up for real, you need to put down the weapon and step away from the computer.

I'm spent like Parker Brothers loot (although I've seen ads for a version of Monopoly without the colored money notes anymore instead they have debit cards that are stuck into mini-computers that keep track of your totals - technology trumps nostalgia - I was never a big Monopoly guy, I was never greedy enough to win).

Trail Of Beers

So last weekend, I went to a casino situated on Native American land. I found irony in the fact that I did not see one Native American in the casino while I was there. Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough or maybe I saw one or more, but have a stereotypical take on Native Americans. Not like I was expecting Wahoo McDaniel to come out hit me with an axe handle, but I would've taken Tatanka strut skipping in a circle whooping it up as a consolation prize. Maybe it was for the best as there was a great dichotomy in the attitudes of your average casino patron. It was either someone who was cold, callous, desperate, shrewd, avaricious, tobaccy or it was someone who was drunk, horny, excitable, happy, carefree, vivacious.

At any rate, more irony as you are fulfilling a reservation at the reservation when you check into the casino hotel. I felt as if I needed an Incredible Hulk (Hennessey, a cognac (brown) mixed with Hpnotiq, a blend of fruit juices and cognac (blue) which turns green like the comic character).

I'm trying to diet as part of an on-going trend of weight loss competitions amongst groups of people ala the reality show 'The Biggest Loser'. I'm doing decently, it's a good motivational tool to lose weight and improve the quality of your life. It isn't easy and the holidays are a good test to one's willpower. I've managed to stay away from most sweets. My first question when I started this thing was what could I booze with? I've moderated my alcoholic intake, the occasional beer. I don't buy into light beer, it's a scam. Bacardi and Diet Cola isn't bad. I can't believe I stayed away from Bacardi all these years. It was my parents' vacation libation, I probably held a grudge because they would ask me to make them that concoction constantly. I stayed away from Captain Morgan for a shorter period of my life, but grew to enjoy it with Ginger Ale after years of loathing the smell of it.

So here's to gluttony on Thanksgiving. I probably won't be as bad as I am on most years. But I'll leave you with this thought. Why doesn't anyone recreate the 2nd Thanksgiving? It would be hilarious. There would probably be a couple of people who didn't make it back. Grace would include the thought of being thankful that the feast could become an annual event. I'm sure they tweaked the meal a bit. They were probably able to get rid of practices that they didn't like. But the mashed potatoes were probably still little lumpy and the gravy was probably a trifle thin.